Motivation From Others

Over on out twitter page (@Talk_Out) we’ve been around for 2 months, something like that, neither of us took note of the day we started. In that time we’ve seen many stories, parts of stories, and the evolution of a story. A story similar to ours, except with so many more people. That story is in the form of another twitter account @ToFixYourHeart All dedicated to offering support to people with their feelings, some with mental health issues, some who just need a bit of love and support. So we want to share with you their experiences, because they took the courage to #TalkOut (our twitter hashtag which we hope you can all use on twitter when you want to say something about how you feel, regardless of whether you are tweeting us or not). If they can go from where they were to where they are and #TalkOut then so can you! There stories are below:

“Hello. My name is Rees and I am 16 years old. I guess I should probably start at the beginning. I was born on the 28th of December 1995 to two loving parents. I was born with Jaundice, which meant I had a problem with my liver. I spent the first hours of my life in a incubator. Nothing unusual, happens to loads of new born children. So little me carried on with life, all sunshine and rainbows. Until my best friend died from leukaemia. You’re all probably thinking, you were like 3 you can’t remember it. No, I can’t. But my Mum can, she told me since my friend died, I had become a little more independent, more detached. Little did any of us know, this would affect the rest of my life. I hit school. And I was bullied from year 1. It wasn’t your typical calling you names kind of bullying, it was people purposely going out of their way to make my life a misery. I was accused of things I didn’t do. Ok, yes I was like 6, but when people knock your confidence and you lose trust in people from a young age, it’s going to have a knock on effect. I was pushed out of groups, make a mockery of. People lied to, said they were my friend until no one was around to do anything. Over Christmas break in year 5 I became very ill, I had developed a virus in my blood that the doctors couldn’t diagnose. I was put under house arrest. I wasn’t aloud to see anyone. I couldn’t even see my brother for 2 weeks because he had a cold. I was then told I had no immune system. Whatever was going in my blood, it had destroyed my immune system. I was told that the slightest illness that got anywhere near me could kill me if I caught it. I eventually got better. But as I went back to school everything had changed. NO one would come near me. It got to year 6 and I lost all my friends because I stood up for the new girl. They were being racist, I was not going to let them. So, I paid the consequence. I became an outsider. I begged my Mum to let me move school, but she refused. High school came and I was beyond excited, I could meet new people and get away from all of them. No, of course I couldn’t. I had been put in the same tutor as them. Year 7 muddled along, I hated it. I was constantly teased about my weight. My hair. My Freckles. I hated myself. I started compulsively over eating. I then started self harming, It started with just hitting my head off walls and scratching myself, then got worse. But the first time I properly cut myself was when I was 12 years old. I had new friends. I also had a best friend, that I was madly in love with. Madly. But he wanted my other best friend. I didn’t mind, I wanted him as a friend more than anything. But a day came when he started acting weird with me. Started telling me it was all my fault. I didn’t understand, I hadn’t done anything. I was late told he has asked my best friend out. She said no, because it would hurt my feelings. I felt that I’d ruined his life. I know I found a true friend from that, she cared enough about me not to let a guy come between us. But I would have been ok with them together. They were my best friends I wanted them to be happy. But he wasn’t. He shouted in my face telling me he hated me, he never wanted to see me again. My heart broke into a million pieces. What was I meant to do, my best friend had just turned against me. I got home that day, I couldn’t cope with all the drama. I walked into the kitchen, not wanting to eat. I saw the big steak knife in the block and just grabbed it. I held it against my chest just praying I could push down. I dug it in to my chest. My brother came through the front door so I quickly put the knife back. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I ran into the front room and turned the TV on just so everything seemed fine. The first thing that came on was ‘This is real. This is me.’

At that moment I knew my life had turned upside down. I knew that this was what my life was going to be like. I went upstairs and cut my wrists. But that song was stuck in my head. I searched it on YouTube and found a girl called Demi Lovato. From that moment on I became obsessed. I followed her every move. She gave me so much courage and trust in her. I didn’t know she was suffering with the sae issues I was. I guess you could say it was fate that I came across her. That was the first time I intentionally hurt myself. Life went on, I was depressed, my eating was messed up. I was purging, starving, over eating. More things happened, I got accused of being a bully, which was not true. I got slammed into a radiator after two boys stole my bag, everyone laughed at me when I was on the floor. They had pulled my hair out and broke my phone. Nothing was ever done about it. They got told off, that was it. Summer came and I didn’t see anyone. I hated myself. My cutting had intensified and my weight was fluctuating. In November of year 9, I had found a guy that I really liked. We got together and I was happy for once. It got to Christmas break and he promised he would come see me for birthday. SO morning of my birthday, I waited for a call or a knock on the door. Nothing. Not even a text. He had forgotten my birthday. I was heartbroken, my birthday had been ruined. Days went on, he wasn’t answering my texts or phone calls. He called me on New Years but he hung quickly as he couldn’t hear me. We went back to school in the January and he was on a trip for 3 days. He still wouldn’t answer my messages. I was getting worse, I didn’t know what to do. I was so confused as to what was going on. Until the Wednesday night I got a text, from him. I thought it was just because he hadn’t had any connection and it was late. But it wasn’t. The text read ‘ I’m sorry but I’m with someone else now, It’s over’. My world just fell apart. I couldn’t believe it. Broken up with over text for a girl he had met 3 days before. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to him. I just felt like killing myself, so I tried. I overdosed. It didn’t work, I just threw up and got very ill and passed out. I didn’t talk to him for months. I didn’t talk to anyone. I was just hurting. I later found out that he thought she was ‘better’ than me. Prettier, smarter, skinnier, funnier. That’s his words exactly. Not mine. I just got more depressed. May came and I was still hurting. I got a told in early may, that my Nan was very ill and they don’t think she’s going to be around for much longer. This had been happening for years, so I didn’t believe it. Now, my relationship with my Nan had been strong for a long time until she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She forgot me. I hated that. It scared me seeing her. So, if I wasn’t there to be forgotten, how could she forget me? So Christmas 0f 2009 I cut her out of my life. I didn’t see her, ever. I was dragged to see her that May. She looked, dead. I knew she was going to die. But I didn’t care. I was left in the room alone with her for 5 minutes while my dad went to talk to a nurse in the care home. She was very still. Until she grabbed my hand. I was just so scared. I was trying not to let her in. She said this ‘ I don’t know who you are, but I love you.’ That killed me. She had forgot me but she still loved me. I couldn’t deal with it. She did 2 weeks later on May 14th 2010. I regret to this day that I cut her out of my life. I wish I had never done that. She is my guardian angel and I will do anything in this world to make it up to her. I was extremely depressed, I cried myself for weeks on end regretting what I had done. I cut myself so violently that It has left permanent indents on my wrists. But nothing was to prepare for what happened on June 30th. I was just having another normal day at school. Nothing special. Nothing different. Until one of my friends mom’s came in, who worked at the school, and said she wanted to talk to me and her daughter after school. I thought it was just something to do with music or telling us we had to walk home tonight instead of get a lift. But it wasn’t. After school came and we found her. She told me my Dad had been rushed into hospital, he’d collapsed. I was so confused. I didn’t know what to do. I got home that night for my mom to tell me he had a stroke. My world came crashing down. I was more depressed than ever, He was never right after that. Year 10 came and my GCSE’s mounted on top of my issues. I just got worse and worse. It was that October that Demi had disappeared and entered to treatment. I had a breakdown, that was just the straw that broke the camels back.. I couldn’t do it anymore. My best friend discovered my scars, she urged me to get help. I went to a teacher and we talked. I didn’t get any better. I was just destroyed. Months went by and I just couldn’t get over everything that had happened. Demi’s issues were in the open. She’s what kept me going. She kept that little bit of belief that I could get over this. I owe my life to her. I eventually made the decision to seek medical help. I saw the school nurse who referred me to a service called CAMHS. But she had to have my parents permission. I begged her not to, but I eventually gave in. I regretted it. But my parents were so understanding. My mom thought I was so strong having held everything in for so long. I got help that summer. I regretted it for a while, but I am thankful I did. I am nearly over with my treatment now and I’m so much happier. I can actually feel real emotions now. My dad has since had another stroke. But he is now ok and a lot better. But there is still not a day that goes by that I want to hurt myself, or starve, purge etc. I don’t think there will ever be a day where I don’t. But I’m stronger now. I have |Demi to thank for giving me so much courage and all the people that supported me for so long. They believed in me and now I do too. Recovery is possible. I have self harmed since treatment, I have purged, I have starved. But it’s ok, I’m not perfect. I never will be. But I’m happy now. I love who I am. I don’t want to change who I am. This is real, this is me, and I am EXACTLY where I’m supposed to be now.”

“It all began 3 years ago half way through year 7 when this one particular boy bullied me constantly, calling me fat, ugly, worthless ect. I got very depressed within 3 months and i started to just stay in my room and never go out with friends because my confidence was very low and i felt insecure. I never told anyone anything because i was afraid of getting laughed at and judged so i kept it all bottled up which can i say is the worst possible thing to do. But then i grew tired of going to school and getting bullied so i told my headteacher and it soon stopped. But i was still depressed and insecure. By the beginning of year 9 i had cut myself twice because the bullying started again but with others this time. Now everytime i cry i have suicidal thoughts and im tempted to cut again but im fighting it, and when you’ve stopped crying and calmed down your like woah i didnt do it, and yes it makes you proud of yourself.

But im not doing this alone i went to the school nurse about my cutting and depression so she contacted my ADHD consultant and told her and she set me up an appointment with a therapist. Yes i was scared at first because i thought she was going to tell me off for cutting myself but when i met her she was the nicest lady she didnt judge me or tell me off. I’ve been seeing my terapist for 3 months now and im starting to feel better already because i now go out with friends and i dont wear baggy clothes anymore because i dont need tocover up anything i am who i am and thanks to friends and family im getting better

At you lowest points in life you always think is this the best my life is going to be and yes you think it is at the time but its not if you take action against your issues then they can be solved and people will help you. Its all about facing your fear of rejection and being judged and get help because it does get better.”

So we want to say thank you to them for their strength and determination. Hopefully we will continue to work together to talk out, reduce mental health stigma, and encourage people to speak about their feelings.

Remember. It’s ok to talk.

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About itsoktotalk

22-year-old who has suffered from and is well on the way to overcoming mental health issues. I'm just like anyone else, and want to support people to let them know it is OK to talk about their feelings. Don't be afraid to speak out. It's ok to talk.

Posted on April 22, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Heya. Thought you might like to know – you’ve been on twitter since 23rd February 2012 🙂

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