A dangerous word one might argue, but one which causes many a question to be asked. What is stability? Am I stable?
Look at yourself, Matt, look at yourself. You’re still on meds, but you’re so much more stable than you were before! I can get on with my life without feeling the urge to pick up a tool and use it across my arm, and without ever really wanting to die.
I am slowly but surely regaining myself, turning myself back into the person I WANT TO BE, not the person that my illness is trying to turn me into.
Anyway, it’s about 2 years since I last got to talk to ‘her’, and the pain hasn’t gone away but it’s lessened and ya know, I’m kind of better off for it. I’ve learned a lot. Gosh I sound so condescending if I was talking to someone, basically, I WILL find someone who treats me well and I HAVE learned from what happened and I won’t be lonely for all my life.
School was the best time of my life, but that’s gone now. It’s important to look ahead towards the future, and to use the past to remember what I have achieved, and what I can do to be successful in the future.
What did I achieve by talking to someone just before I went into my seminar room on the first day of Uni huh? I achieved a relationship. My point is, that if I throw myself into everything then I cannot look back and have any regrets. If I didn’t throw myself into uni at the beginning then I wouldn’t have got myself a girlfriend and a fleeting moment of happiness. So, I will continue in the same vein, I will, I will, I will, I can, I can, I can. I CAN F****** DO THIS S***!
Someone said to me that “You are always there when needed!” I aim to please, my friend, I aim to please. Seriously though, I enjoy talking to people, trying to help them understand what they are going through. I enjoy listening, the most important thing anyone can do is to listen, not judge. You might say try to understand, but sometimes that’s dangerous if you are unable to understand. Don’t say to someone “I understand” if you don’t, it will make things worse, just let them know that you are there for them.
It’s so good to see my friend happy. Not like he’s been through the shit that I have, but he’s been through his own shit, he’s battled his own demons. I only became friends with him around year 10, when I began to broaden my horizons and actually interact with people more, partly through choice and self discovery partly because I didn’t want to be anyone’s ghost anymore, but also because I was finally accepted for being me, people liked me for me. I chose to hang around and talk to him, but it was probably at college where we became really good friends, and I’m so glad I know him because, well, simply, he’s a top guy.
I’m getting through life in my own bizarre and unique way. I love expressing myself, be it through words or songs, I simply thrive upon it and enjoy myself. I love all my friends so much, some of whom I’ve yet to meet but will do very soon.
We all have so much love to give, it’s inevitable someone will come along who needs to be showered with love, who will give you what you need as well.
Time is not of the essence, take it slow, stop trying to hurry everything and just let life take its course without trying to edit in the extra little details which ruin the experience by making it too complicated. Achieve what you want, live like you’re going to die tomorrow, dream like you’re going to live forever, and pursue those dreams, because you never know, one day, you just might achieve them.